Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
