I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
