I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
In America we eat man semen.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Randomize
