He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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