My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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