We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
