i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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