i permit you to call me
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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