When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
What changed your mind?
Being sober
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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