And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Can you repeat that, but with context?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
