My room smells like vodka and shame
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
