You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
