Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
