hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize
