my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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