Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
