Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
