A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
