I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
