i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
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