Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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