And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
