The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
