Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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