I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
