if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
