i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
