I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
