I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
