Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Randomize
