sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
