i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
