So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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