i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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