I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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