I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
