I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
