What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I have already put on my inside pants.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
