My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
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