What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
