i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
