Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
