phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I stole a fireplace last night.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
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