Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
