Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
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