i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
