don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
