If i come over, it means nothing
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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