bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
