I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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