you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
